Wading through mud

I wonder if finding out that the MS is active and progressing was really a good thing. I mean, before the MRI I was feeling okay over all, but after learning that I have 12 new lesions it seems like I'm feeling the MS more. Sometimes it seems as though I do better if I live my life as though I don't have MS.

But who am I kidding...

For the past year I've been experiencing a systemwide slow down. There hasn't been any one incident that screams 'the MS is back!' but if I look back over the course of several weeks and months it's actually pretty obvious. And while I didn't want to openly acknowledge that the MS was returning, I knew, why else would I suddenly want to find a new doctor and be willing to test to see if I could go on new medication? On some level, I just knew...

Does knowing that I'm relapsing make everything harder? Yes, but I think I'd rather know because when I struggle to get out of bed and find the motivation to work out it's less discouraging. Not because it's an excuse to not workout, but rather motivation to push through while simultaneously giving myself permission to be slow or ease up. Getting up and doing anything is better than not getting up at all, and from the beginning I knew this day was coming.

Now is the time to put into practice some of the lessons I've learned about MS. I can't get complacent about the fight because for a while it was easy. I have to remember that all the work I've done up until this point has probably saved a lot of mobility and muscular issues, but I can't give up just because the fatigue is so mind numbing right now and basic everyday living feels like I'm wading through mud.

Now is the time to fight harder, to renew my vow that I am not going to cede anything to this condition, at least not without a fight.