Progress... I mean progression

Yesterday I went back to my doctor for the results of all the various tests they did on me last month to determine if I could go on Tysabri. Long story short, I have not been exposed to the virus, and I am a good candidate for Tysabri. The news wasn't all good however... The new MRI I had done at the begining of the month shows twelve more lesions including one that was 'lit up', or active at the time of the MRI. This means that over the past three years since my last MRI, the MS has been steadily progressing. 

The doctor says that twelve lesions in three years isn't too shocking or horrific, especially considering I've not been on disease modifying medication for most of the time, but it is way past time that I get on something. I was surprised that I had so many new lessions since over the past three years I've been relatively symptom free. The doctor wasn't too sure, MS affects everyone differently, but if she had to guess all the exercise and activity that I've been doing has helped my brain. She was saying that exercise is one of the only ways to heal and remylate the brain. I take that to mean... if I hadn't been doing everything I've been doing, things could be a lot worse. Going on Tysabri will hopefully mean that I won't loose anymore mylan and if I keep up with the activity I could hopefully make improvements.

While at my doctor's office, I agreed to take part in another study. Since I haven't been on any medication in over two years, there were some people really excited to get a hold of some of my blood so they can do studies with it. Once again, there isn't anything I actively have to do for the study except bleed, but maybe my contribution will aid in further understanding of MS. There is a study going on, however, that I am very interested to get into. Apparently its a study involving exercise, nutrition and MS, which sounds like it might align with what I've been doing for the past three years. I don't have any specific details as of yet, but I'm hoping to talk to someone involved with the study soon and see what I can do to participate.

It's going to take a few weeks to get the paperwork for the Tysabri all worked out, hopefully I should be getting on it soon. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep going with what I've been doing. When my doctor was telling me that the exercise has probably been the reason why I've felt so good despite the fact that my MS is progressing I said to her... "So I should keep exercising." to which she replied, "Hell yeah!" I've always known that my workouts and training make me feel better and good, I just wasn't aware of just how much they were helping me as the MS was worstening in my brain. Let me tell you, to learn that I had all those new lesions plus one that was active and I was experiencing little to no symptoms, my motivation to keep working out, keep training, is renewed ten-fold.

As my husband pointed out yesterday when I told him... "Wow, running really has saved your life."

The Gifts Life Gives

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about all the gifts I've been given over the past few years and I'm not talking about the material things I've received, but gifts that have had a lasting impact on my life. Not all of the gifts have been good, at least not on the surface; getting MS, having to quit a job I loved because the new boss was driving me nuts and the work was draining me dry... But hidden in the negatives were some of the most important gifts.

Finding out that I had MS was probably the biggest gift the universe could have given me. It taught me not to take so much for granted, that my energy was better spent on things that mattered rather than going through the motions of a life. Without MS, I wouldn't have left the job I'd secretly hated. I wouldn't have discovered the school I worked at, or met some of the most amazing people who helped me realize that the only limitations in life are the ones you set yourself.

Yesterday I learned that Crazy Boss is no longer with the program, and part of me started thinking that maybe I'd want to go back. However, the other reasons I had for leaving... high stress, little energy at the end of the day for myself let alone my family... still applied. And thinking further, I've moved on to a different stage in my life, my time at that school really is finished.

So where do I go from here?

A very good friend of mine believes that I am a powerful manifester. When I want something bad enough, I can focus my energies until I achieve what I'm after. 

I want to be a writer... okay so technically since I'm sitting here writing right now I am a writer, but I want to be a published writer. I want my words to be read by and impact others. I want to contribute something to the world that will be around after I am gone. I want to be able to travel the world and experience what it has to offer then use those experiences in my writing. 

One of the things I wanted to do when I quit my job is to focus more on my writing. Unfortunately saying I want to focus on my writing and the reality of being a full time writer are two entirely different entities and I'm wondering what the universe has out there waiting for me. I want to be a writer, and I believe I can manifest myself as a writer, but its the journey thats going to be the most important part of that process and not so much the final destination.

I am ready for the next gift that life has waiting for me, good or bad. I know that what ever it is, it will take me to where I need to be. In the meantime, it's important to see where I've come from and the things I've experienced as the gifts they turned out to be.  

Changing mindsets: Walking is not weakness

This morning I woke up feeling tired and fatigued dispite having gone to bed at a reasonable time and sleeping through the night. I was so tempted to blow off my cardio for today, but in the end I decided to walk for 30 minutes instead of running as I had originally planned.

I don't know why, but it is so hard for me to walk. Its not a physical limitation but a mental one, because after three years of getting myself inshape I can't help but see walking as a sign of weakness, like I'm not good enough. It's stupid, and rationally, intellectually, I know that walking is just as good as running but it doesn't stop me from going into this internal dialogue that keeps telling me that I should be running and I'm just a whimp.

I could have run this morning, and it would have been a miserable experience and it probably would make my workout tomorrow even harder. Walking meant that I still got my workout in, but I finished feeling good instead of miserable. Walking isn't weakness.  When I was working with our Boy Scout troop this spring getting ready for BolderBoulder, I would always tell them that even if they just walked during our training run, they were still spending 30 to 40 minutes outside doing something active. That was time not being spent sitting around watching TV or playing video games, they were doing something more than your average teen and preteen, especially early on a Saturday morning.

So, why is it I can't take my own advice? Why do I see taking it easy yet still working out as a sign of weakness? I could have done nothing and spent 30 minutes watching TV or writing or just gone back to bed after the kids left for school. 

During the half marathon, I walked quite a bit, I had to... I didn't train well. But each and everytime I walked, I had to rationalize it to myself to make it okay like I was doing something wrong. Somehow I need to change my thinking around taking it slow, just because I'm slower doesn't mean I'm not working hard, and the only way I'm going to get any better is if I stop mentally beating myself up when I fall short of my expectations.

Walking is not weakness, at least I did something instead of giving up and going back to bed.

Dublin Rock 'n Roll Half-Marathon

Its been a couple of weeks, but I'm finally posting an update on the Dublin Half-Marathon.

The race went rather well, especially for someone who didn't really train like they should have for a distance run. I never expected to finish really fast or qualify for any kind of recognition or reward, really it was an excuse to go to Ireland.

It took me a little over 3 hours to complete the course, and maybe it was the lower elevation, cooler climate, cloudy weather, I don't know but I did not have the leg and foot issues I'd been battling every every other run. So that alone made the race very pleasant and getting to sightsee around Dublin as I ran was just a bonus. The course took us through Phoenix Park, which is over 3x's the size of Central Park, and I have to say that after getting past the monster hill at the entrance, it was my favorite part of the course. It was so pretty. There were lots of people who were stopping to snap photographs but I did not... alas. Too busy maintaining momentum.

One thing I do have to say is that I'm kind of tired of just finishing races. I've been there, done that, I think I've more than proven that I can run, or cycle, or swim, or do all three in one event. I used to not care if I was the last person to cross the finish line, but I'm kind of tired of having all the good stuff already gone at the aid stations or they're starting to tear down. I want to be better, maybe not the fastest but at least solidly in the middle.

Anyway... Dublin was awesome! After the race, we went to a pub near our hotel for a pint. There is something to be said about Guinness, it's a great post race recovery beverage. When you're in Ireland, it's a pretty good pre race beverage too, perhaps thats why I had fewer muscle issues. 

In addition to the race, we did a lot of sightseeing, though walking around Dublin post race was a little trickier. We went to my favorite place in the while wide world, The Guinness Store House. If this whole writing thing doesn't pan out, I can get a job a serving Guinness as I learned just how to pour the perfect pint.

I don't have any other events on the horizon and I'm thinking I'm going to keep it that way, at least for the rest of this year. I think I've done too many different things that I haven't really improved at all on any one. 

I burned out this year. Two years working my tail off training plus a really stressful job has totally knocked me on my ass. Now it feels like I'm back at square one almost. I think that toning down the events and getting back to some basics, exercising regularly for instance, is going to be beneficial in the long run.