There are times in your life when, despite all evidence to the contrary, you think know what is best in your life and you just aren’t willing to listen to anyone else. It was true during adolescence, and it appears to be true as a newly diagnosed MS patient.
I am just so sick and frickin’ tired of being told what I need to do, how to best do things, what I should take, who I should see. I’m tired of the medications I have to take, I’m tired of all the appointments, I’m tired of the tests; I’m… well, tired.
It’s a familiar cadence, I’ve gone on this rant before, and no, it wasn’t twenty years ago… more like a couple of months.
I seem to be going through a second adolescence. Unfortunately, it’s not the fun kind where I go out and buy a totally inappropriate car, get a shit load of botox, and party like a college student. It’s not even the kind where I get to trade in the hubby for a newer, younger, model; and that was a significant clause in the contract I signed! No, I get to go through the insolent, screw all this crap, this is not what I want to do, whiny emo phase.
Maybe I’ve just spent too much time with pre-teens.
But you know… Having MS is a lot like going through puberty a second time. I’m not experiencing the changing physical maturity from child to adult, but there is a lot that’s going on in my body that I don’t understand, can’t predict, and that leaves me feeling like an alien in my own skin.
All of my frustrations about my body and the MS are comming out in my attitude, ranging from; acceptance, let’s do what needs to be done to be well, to “F@#k It!”, nothing is going to help, and I’m tired of trying.
There is no happy medium in my world.
Right now I’m in a f@#k it frame of mind, because I’m tired of fighting to get something I really don’t want to have, I resent the concessions I’m making in order to be well, and I’m tired of the constant reminders all around me of how much I’ve been force to change. I feel like the pill bottles lined up on my desk are mocking me, and I absolutely hate that I’ve had to create little alerts and reminders on my computer to tell me to take my pills or even eat; because I forget things like that now that I no longer have a set schedule with meal breaks built in. Everything feels hard, and it’s getting harder and harder to even want to push myself to work through and persevere.
As with anything when your bi-polar, this too shall pass, and I will be back to feeling hopeful and optimistic about my recovery and life with MS. I’ll get a game plan together, and start working towards positive goals.
Did I mention there was no happy medium in my world?
One of the hardest things for me to admit is that I was wrong to not take my meds and my injections, and confess that I’ve been having myself a good ol’ fashioned teenage snit about everything. Fortunately, the nurse at my neurologist’s office said that it’s not unusual for people newly diagnosed with a chronic illness to have snits about their treatment from time to time. Apparently, even if you’re fifty, you aren’t immune to the fits of a second or even third adolescence.
So, I guess it’s time for me to grow up, yet again. Realize that I don’t know everything and yes, the people telling me what I need to do actually do know what they’re talking about… But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
No comments:
Post a Comment