Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Happy Healthy Individual

I am a happy, healthy model of a healthy individual,
I’ve information overload on matters quite conceptual,
I know the fathers of psychiatry, and quote the theoretical,
From Freudian to Jungian, and Dr. Phil rhetorical;
I’m very well acquainted too, with all the books liturgical,
I understand perceptions, both real and imaginable,
About the latest studies I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many misleading facts about why we do the things we do.
I'm exceptional with smoke and mirrors, and being very devious;
I know the things to say, I’m really quite fastidious;
In short, with information overload and matters quite conceptual,
I am a happy healthy model of a healthy individual.

Written by Sabrina Ehlert, in the style of Gilbert & Sullivan. 

Attack of the 32 year old teenager

There are times in your life when, despite all evidence to the contrary, you think know what is best in your life and you just aren’t willing to listen to anyone else. It was true during adolescence, and it appears to be true as a newly diagnosed MS patient.

I am just so sick and frickin’ tired of being told what I need to do, how to best do things, what I should take, who I should see. I’m tired of the medications I have to take, I’m tired of all the appointments, I’m tired of the tests; I’m… well, tired.

It’s a familiar cadence, I’ve gone on this rant before, and no, it wasn’t twenty years ago… more like a couple of months.

I seem to be going through a second adolescence. Unfortunately, it’s not the fun kind where I go out and buy a totally inappropriate car, get a shit load of botox, and party like a college student. It’s not even the kind where I get to trade in the hubby for a newer, younger, model; and that was a significant clause in the contract I signed! No, I get to go through the insolent, screw all this crap, this is not what I want to do, whiny emo phase.

Maybe I’ve just spent too much time with pre-teens.

But you know… Having MS is a lot like going through puberty a second time. I’m not experiencing the changing physical maturity from child to adult, but there is a lot that’s going on in my body that I don’t understand, can’t predict, and that leaves me feeling like an alien in my own skin.

All of my frustrations about my body and the MS are comming out in my attitude, ranging from; acceptance, let’s do what needs to be done to be well, to “F@#k It!”, nothing is going to help, and I’m tired of trying.

There is no happy medium in my world.

Right now I’m in a f@#k it frame of mind, because I’m tired of fighting to get something I really don’t want to have, I resent the concessions I’m making in order to be well, and I’m tired of the constant reminders all around me of how much I’ve been force to change. I feel like the pill bottles lined up on my desk are mocking me, and I absolutely hate that I’ve had to create little alerts and reminders on my computer to tell me to take my pills or even eat; because I forget things like that now that I no longer have a set schedule with meal breaks built in. Everything feels hard, and it’s getting harder and harder to even want to push myself to work through and persevere.

As with anything when your bi-polar, this too shall pass, and I will be back to feeling hopeful and optimistic about my recovery and life with MS. I’ll get a game plan together, and start working towards positive goals.

Did I mention there was no happy medium in my world?

One of the hardest things for me to admit is that I was wrong to not take my meds and my injections, and confess that I’ve been having myself a good ol’ fashioned teenage snit about everything. Fortunately, the nurse at my neurologist’s office said that it’s not unusual for people newly diagnosed with a chronic illness to have snits about their treatment from time to time. Apparently, even if you’re fifty, you aren’t immune to the fits of a second or even third adolescence.

So, I guess it’s time for me to grow up, yet again. Realize that I don’t know everything and yes, the people telling me what I need to do actually do know what they’re talking about… But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

It’s a good thing I have insurance, because my doctor apparently knows nothing...

Oh, here we go again.

I am so blessed to have an insurance company who knows more about treating my MS than my doctor. I feel sorry for the poor, uninsured folk, who have to go into debt to see their doctors. They forced to rely solely on their doctor’s years of training and experience to treat them. Where as I, having the good fortune to have insurance, get to have my doctor’s decisions and treatments reviewed by some grunt at the insurance company; and it’s a good thing too because my doctor sure doesn’t know what is in my best interests.

So, all mighty and knowledgeable insurance company, what treatment and medication would you recommend to treat my MS?

“Hmm... let’s see… ah yes, you doctor prescribed that you should take Betacrud to treat the MS, but have you given any though to trying, Ryblat?”

“Well, I don’t know... I tend to trust what my doctor says I should take.”

“Oh, but Ryblat is just as good as that… other stuff. Plus, we get this sweet deal with the manufacturer where it costs us so much less to have MS patients take Ryblat as opposed to the other stuff. Plus, man, for every patient we get set up with Ryblat, they hook us up with all sorts of sweet perks to keep recommending their product. You would not believe some of the… Oh, riiiiight, I’m not really supposed to talk about that.”

“Do I save any money taking Ryblat?”

“Let me see... you’ve first gotta meet your deductible, then your copay looks like it stays the same… so, nope, you don’t save a dime, but boy howdy do we save a TON! If we can get all you MS people on this stuff, well geewiz, my kids are gonna have a great Christmas year!”

o.O

“Oh yeah... I shouldn’t of said that...”

“So, what if I don’t want to take Ryblat, I want what my doctor says I should have.”

“Well now, weren’t you listening to all that? Ryblat is less expensive! We can’t let you get that other stuff until you at least try Ryblat. I mean, if it’s gonna do just as well as that Betacrud…”

“But I heard that people tend to react badly to it.”

“Okay, are you like stupid or something? So, it’s a little irritating for some people; thats how you know the drug is working. And, come on... the biggest selling point… it’s cheaper!”

“But I don’t want it…”

“To bad, it’s what we, the insurance company, says you have to take.”

“Are you all doctors?”

“Heck no! I got my insurance degree off of Photoshop!”

“And you know what’s better for me than my own doctor.”
“Well duh lady, it’s what the manual says... and I always do what the manual says to do.”

Oh yes, having to have insurance in order to see a doctor is a huge benefit; where would I be with out my insurance company? Bankrupt, homeless, but healthy?

* * *
Please consider this post to be my middle finger to my insurance company. They’re gonna learn real quick that I’m done jumping through their hoops, and boy... I’m looking to get me one of them hoops so I can wrap it around some insurance grunt’s scrawny necks...

NO... It’s alright; not like I had anything else better to do anyway...

I am seriously frustrated with the distinctive lack of urgency when I try to get people to push through things I need, whether it’s my medication, or an answer about my leave. It makes me angry at the lack of consideration for my needs. I’m not asking for anything unreasonable, just my medication and some idea of when I might start getting some money coming in from a leave bank I paid into.

Oh, wait… apparently that is unreasonable.

Obviously, I have no respect for procedure and protocol. Don’t I get, that nothing can happen until all the paperwork is filed, reviewed, re-reviewed, investigated, debated, and finally approved… when the one person who can approve it gets back from vacation? Doing anything to circumvent the system would cause a total collapse in the space time continuum! The whole world would plunge into chaos! No one will be able to figure out what they are supposed to do… everything will come to a grinding halt! The bureaucrats would have nothing to stamp; Dear God Mrs. Ehlert, won’t you please think of the bureaucrats!

*deep breath*

For once, perhaps, it would be nice if people would think about the person making all these… silly little requests. That, I’m not snapping my fingers and making people run like crazy for my health…

Wait a minute… yes, actually I am!

My health, well being, and lively hood are all tied up and depending on other people to do, what ever their job says they need to do, in order for me to actually start getting critical components that I need for my health; not to mention what I need to pay bills, buy food, etc. I do not make phone calls just for the sake of interrupting someone’s work day, I don’t take perverse pleasure in forcing someone to check the status of my medication request; I just want answers.

If people are going to insist on doing everything ‘by the book’, then they need to either be willing to provide regular updates or else put up with my calling and pestering them, even to the point where I start getting a little… testy. And if there is some perverse pleasure to be had in seeing just how many hoops I’m willing to jump through before I start to get irritated… be prepared to be strangled by those hoops.

The world might end if someone actually tried to be efficient and helped me in a timely manner, but if I am kept in this holding pattern for too much longer…

The end of the world is gonna start looking pretty damn appealing compared to the hell I will start raising.

I ran rings ‘round your logic there…

It is becoming clearer to me that in order to have MS, you needed to have checked your logic and rational thinking in at the door. Too bad I missed that part of the contract when I signed up; should have read the fine print… oh wait, MS makes you blind…

So, I must tread carefully lest it be known that I have MS and can actually think for myself in a rational and logical manner. This is a very exclusive group you see, and I worked very hard to become a member.

That being said, I think I would have been happier if I had checked my freethinking, rational brain with the nice man at the door; at least that way I wouldn’t have to be confronted by the completely irrational obsession with a theory that has been all but totally debunked. I wouldn’t feel like shaking people by the shoulders and screaming at them, “Don’t you remember anything from 6th grade science! It’s called the Scientific Method!” For crying out loud, even a middle school student understands that if the results of an experiment are not repeatable, then the conclusions of said experiment have been DISPROVED!

However...

It doesn’t matter how many rational arguments grenades you throw, or legitimate source bombs you drop; there is no reasoning with irrational obsession.

Once again, as someone with MS, I totally under stand the allure of a treatment that would rid me of pain, numbness, fatigue, etc. However, bludgeoning a theory into what you want it to be, does not make it true. Ignoring scientific findings that have disproved the original hypothesis, doesn’t prove that the original hypothesis is correct. As seductive as it might be to believe that drug companies are trying to squash a cure for MS because they’d lose money on MS treatment; in this case it simply isn’t true.

The CCSVI Theory needs to be allowed to die the natural death that all pseudo-scientific findings eventually succumb to; just sign the DNR and let it go.

In the end… I should have just stayed with the crazies in the Bi-polar club and not try to diversify. At least there, rational thought and sanity were welcome, even desired.

Plus, the cookies were better... crazy people always have the better cookies.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snake Oil or the Real Thing?

Over the past several months, there has been a buzz through out the MS community about an experimental new treatment that can cure people of MS symptoms; CCSVI. That was how I first heard about it; an Italian doctor, Dr. Zamboni, who’s wife was diagnosed with MS, discovered what he thought to be a possible source of her symptoms and performed an operation that ultimately freed her from her suffering. Now, I’m over simplifying things. Obviously more research was done before the doctor’s wife went under the knife, but the theory that was conceived from that one event has sparked an international controversy.

The CCSVI Theory believes that in many, if not most, people who suffer from MS, there is a significant narrowing of the veins in the head and neck regions of the body. The narrowing restricts blood flow from the brain to the heart, preventing the blood from being recirculated through out the body. Instead of leaving the brain, the blood continues to circulate through out the brain. It is thought that the lack of drainage out of the brain causes iron build up with in the veins and can possibly result in the symptoms most commonly associated with Multiple Sclerosis.

Now, once again, I’m over simplifying matters, but that is the CCSVI theory in a nutshell, and it has been cause for hope and skepticism for many people with MS. The current, accepted, theory about MS is that MS is an autoimmune disorder. The body’s immune system, for some yet unknown reason, starts attacking and wearing away at the myelin; the protective coating through out the entire nervous system. Suggesting that the cause of MS isn’t autoimmune but vascular has huge implications because unlike an autoimmune disorder, a vascular problem can more easily be corrected. The proposed procedure for CCSVI is to place a stent or angioplasty into the narrowed veins, much the same way that arteries are opened to promote blood flow away from the heart. The stent or angioplasty would open the vein and allow the blood to drain properly from the brain and continue circulating through out the body.

So why all the controversy?

It is pretty well understood and accepted that any new breakthrough in understanding of a disease, be it cancer, multiple sclerosis, HIV, heart disease, etc, there is typically a long period of research, testing, and trials in order to prove that a theory has merit. Then an equally long if not longer period of research, development, and trials to come up with a treatment or better yet, a cure. This drawn out process was developed to protect patients from being harmed by risky ,and unproven procedures; holding the medical field to the oath; first do no harm.

In the case of CCSVI, there are thousands if not millions of people the world over, afflicted and debilitated by MS, who just do not want to wait to see if the theory and accompanying procedure are the real thing. Hearing that Dr. Zamboni’s wife was ‘liberated’ from her MS symptoms, and rumors of hundreds more who’ve also been ‘liberated’, seem to be proof enough for many. The result, thousands upon thousands of people bombarding their physicians with demands for the treatment, and/or making desperate attempts to obtain the money necessary to fly to a foreign country and have the procedure.

Current, newer, studies show some hopeful optimism in regards to Dr. Zamboni’s work; however, the results from a larger sampling of people are not matching up the the original hype. Despite recent findings, there is a sense of validation that the CCSVI Theory is true and having the procedure will rid MS suffers of their symptoms. However, no one seems to want to really look at what is being said, or the implications to their health and the health hundreds of others who’ve rushed out and had the procedure done without waiting to see if this is the answer everyone has been waiting for. No one wants to hear the calls of hoax and fraud from members of the medical community; who would like nothing more than to stand behind a major medical breakthrough, but find themselves unable to because of moral and ethical reasons.

Unlike some other diseases, such as heart disease or cancer which have many aggressive treatments available, some of which are considered cures, MS has no truly aggressive way to fight. One of the most frustrating things about MS, is the fact that there isn’t much that can be done for the patient outside of treating symptoms and prescribing medication that would hopefully slow the progression. Many people with MS often find no relief from their symptoms and yet are still expected to go about their lives. So, it’s understandable that there is such a powerful need and hope through out the entire MS community that this latest theory and insight into the disease will bring about the end of the suffering of millions.

All I’m asking for is a collective breath and a return to rationality. As much as I dream of a day when I can go back to the way my life had been before the MS, I feel that there needs to be some perspective. In the short time since I’ve been diagnosed, I’ve heard of at least two proposed possible cures for MS. One involving a treatment that cured MS-like symptoms in mice, and CCSVI. Neither one is being declared the definitive cure, and I know that it will be at least a decade before either one could be declared a possible cure.

Before we grab our pitchforks and torches, and prepare to storm the offices of neurologists and physicians across the globe; lets think about things for a minute.

Is finding relief from the misery that is MS, worth putting our lives at risk for an, as of yet, unproven procedure? Is it better to further cripple ourselves just so we can say we did something in the face of hopelessness?

Scientific and medical progress aren’t furthered by people throwing themselves at every possible hope for a cure; in fact it becomes hindered. What will happen if some of the people who rushed out, took out loans, sold their homes, went further into debt, to get the CCSVI procedure only to learn too late that it might have fatal consequences? Would the families of those patients just sit quietly buy and say; “Well, we knew it was an experimental procedure..”? Heck no! Anyone who develops a serious complication or dies as a result of this procedure will then spark a huge multinational lawsuit against every doctor, hospital, and clinic who recommended or performed the operation. Any money that was raised to further research into the CCSVI Theory will be spent on litigation; and all research would come to a grinding halt. Possibly killing an idea that with the proper amount of time, dedication, and research, could have become the answer we were all looking for.

So, at the risk of infuriating others with MS who are counting on CCSVI to make things all better… I am choosing to adopt a wait and see approach and encourage others to do the same. Let there be more research into CCSVI before we hail it as a miracle cure.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Life, Universe, and…

I am a firm believer that things happen to you for a reason. It doesn’t matter if they’re good things or bad, they happen and, if your willing, they can teach you things about your life and the direction it’s heading.

There is no medical explanation for why I have MS. There was no sense in how it came on, or why last summer was the time for my nervous system to start having issues, but it all happened. That has got to be the most frustrating part of MS, not understanding why it happens. There haven’t been genetic markers discovered that make it more likely someone will have MS, there wasn’t a virus or disease that occurred, it wasn’t even something I did or didn’t do in my life. Just, one day I was fine and all was good then, BOOM, things aren’t fine and I have MS.

Dwelling on trying to figure out why exactly this happened is enough to drive a person throughly insane, and it really isn’t healthy. It happened, it sucks, but it is what it is; time to move on. However, the realities of life with MS aren’t as easily shrugged away, especially if you have to make major changes to your career and lifestyle to accommodate what is happening. So, I’m trying to see things from the perspective that there is some greater life lesson to be learned.

For starters, I worked myself into this massive relapse. But, if I hadn’t ended up in the hospital, chances are good that I would still be working at the same place that was slowly making things worse. After I was forced to leave that situation, I had a choice; I could either lay around the house feeling sorry for myself, or I could use the time to figure out what I really want in life.

I’m choosing life.

One thing I’ve learned from this experience is that, while MS came make life difficult and hard to predict, there is still a lot to my life that I do have control over. Where things start to wrong is when I allow myself to get beaten down from so many different directions. The best thing I can do for myself is focus on things that would benefit my life and my family and let the MS make sure that I have my fair share of lumps and obstacles. Why go looking for trouble when it’s just going to find my anyway?