Feeling Abandoned

There is a lot of guilt associated with having a chronic illness like MS. Knowing that what you’re going through is having a major impact on not only you but also your family; both emotionally and financially. It’s really hard not to feel responsible for the upheaval in their lives, the things your unable to do because of your condition or lack of funds. It’s really easy to sink into a pit of self pity and despair; feeling that the people around you secretly resent you because of the hardship they’re experiencing. It’s even worse if it becomes known that they actually kind of do.

Since being diagnosed with MS 5 months ago, I’ve experienced all of the feelings of guilt and despair. Rationally, I know that what is happening to me isn’t my fault, I didn’t cause it to happen; so there shouldn’t be guilt associated with having something that is totally beyond my control. However, it’s hard not to feel guilt when it’s aided by the insurance company who doesn’t want to cover certain medications or treatments, forcing you to pay out of pocket for what you need to feel better, and then finding out that I now make some friends uncomfortable because I’m sick.

What really gets me is; I have this condition I didn’t ask for and can never be rid of, feelings of guilt because I feel that I’m becoming a burden on my loved ones, and I have to now worry about losing friends because their assuming I no longer care about what goes on in their lives. I expected my insurance company to kick me while I’m down, withholding full coverage for my treatments until we spend money we don’t have on the deductibles, or refusing to pay for things I need. I just never saw it coming from someone I’d thought I could count on.

Many people have said, in passing, that bitching to me about what they have going on seems wrong because it pales in comparison to having MS. That sentiment bothers me because I don’t see it as a contest to see who has it worse in life. If I looked beyond myself I could probably find someone who has things worse than I do; I wouldn’t even have to look that hard to find that person. We all have things going on in our lives that seem huge and terrible, yet when you compare them to someone else’s problems, look small and insignificant. It doesn’t lesson the impact of what you have going on, acknowledging someone else’s pain doesn’t make yours vanish, but you’ve at least given yourself some perspective.

I’ve tried really hard to not let what is happening to me overwhelm my friends. I try to keep a broader frame of mind and remember that I’m not the only person who’s got something going on; and it makes me a little guilty that I do sometimes become egocentric. However, it makes me frustrated and angry when people don’t talk to me because they assume I won’t be interested in what they have to say, and that I think their problems aren’t worth my consideration.

I’m tired of being seen for what I have and not who I am. I am not MS, I do not embody the disease, it is not who I am. The person I am now is still the same person I was before my body decided to crap out on me. My perspectives in life have changed as I’ve learned to appreciate the good things more, but over all I am still the same person. Yet, I feel like I have a scarlet A tattooed on my forehead and am now not fit to be in the company of others because I represent for some people, their worst fears and they might have to think about what would happen if their bodies decided to rebel against them.

Obviously, it is better to live in denial than face your fears and try to be there for someone in need.