I started back at work this past week and I’m loving every minute. The past seven months since my relapse has felt as though I’ve been living in a fog. I completely retreated from almost everything in my life, and while that sounds bad it was something I needed to do.
When I got my official diagnosis that confirmed my worst fear it was the day before returning back to work after the summer. I had spent over a month going through so many tests to try and pinpoint what was going on, and I had almost no doubt that the tests would come back positive, but it still took the wind out of me when I got that call. Despite the time before to think and prepare myself for what I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, I still hadn’t really digested the reality of having MS.
Going back to work the day after the confirmation, I didn’t let myself really deal with what was happening. I was sad, I was angry, I was in denial... And I had no idea how I was going to live with it, I didn’t know what it meant for me...
The time I’ve spent not working and recovering from a very scary and debilitating relapse, I’ve been able to start to figure out my new way of life, and going back to work has been the first real step towards getting my life back.
However, it feels like the MS has other ideas, and I’m getting more annoying flare-ups and symptoms. Since this is common to have pseudo exasterbations, and frankly these issues have never completely gone away, I’m trying not to let it slow me down. This is apart of my new life; I work a little to hard, do a little too much, and my body lets me know it disapproves. However, stress is inevitable, it’s unavoidable. No matter where I worked, there will be stress, and if there wasn’t then the job would be dead boring.
Still, it’s scary... I worry that for what ever reason, I wont be allowed to have a normal life... that my body, this crappy condition, will always plot against me. I try to push that out of my mind, not indulge the fear, not give into it... But, it’s still there, and I worry about how it will impact my job, and that maybe they may rethink their decision to bring me onboard if it’s going to wear me out or cause issues with my heath.
So, this is where perseverance comes in...
No matter what happens, what curve balls get thrown my way, I have to fight back and not let it take over. I have to keep saying to myself that I will NOT let the MS take away the things I love; not my art, my writing, or my job, not to mention my kids and my family.
I just want my life back, even if it means accepting things that are not pleasant... I won't let this beat me down, but I hate the fear that resurfaces every time one of my symptoms starts to get a little worse.
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