Yellowstone: A Week of Sightseeing, Critters, and Milestones

Last week my family and I went on a week long camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. We had started planning the trip back in December, and after my relapse in January, there was some concern as to whether or not I’d be able to go. However, I was excited to go and I wasn’t going to let what happened to me stop me from going on a trip I’d been looking forward to going.

As it turns out, going to Yellowstone was a great and much needed experience for me and for my recovery. The way my family and I travel is to go flat out and see and do as much as possible because going on a vacation is a luxury for us; Yellowstone was no exception.

Dragonfly. Taken on our hike.

On our first day in the park, I went on my first hiking trip; a one mile trek to see a potentially interesting site. My husband and kids were great, letting me set the pace. Being a photographer has it’s advantages because I would stop to photograph something and also give myself an excuse to stop and rest. We made it to the lake, which wasn’t as interesting as I’d hoped, but I was proud of myself for making it on our hike.

We saw this guy on our way back.

The rest of the week was like our first day. We’d go around checking out the sites, hike, and try to see as much as we possibly could see. My body took the activity well, which I found surprising. I started to realize that some of the limitations I’ve had were self imposed; I was too scared to push myself, scared of how I would feel, scared of the pain. 

There is still pain, but I think a part of it was the normal aches and pains of someone out of shape and not used to physical activity. There were MS related limitations, a major one being heat. Yellowstone’s weather was cool, consistently in the 60’s or 70’s; however body temperatures rise with activity and in high altitudes the sun beats down intensely. There were a few times when I was overcome by heat, and a couple of times I pushed myself to potentially dangerous levels.

This was taken at Mammoth Hot Springs.
This site was off the beaten path, and required a significant hike to reach

Still, I think this trip has started some wheels in motion that I can’t stop. I know now that I can’t use MS as an excuse for not being physically active, that I can and should exercise, and while I have to take heat into consideration, I can (with some strategies) work with that as well.

Yes, there will be pain...

Yes, there will be fatigue...

My body still cannot take continual strain and activity, I have to listen to by body and know when to stop; I will have to give myself time to rest.

I’ve already accepted that pain will always be apart of my life, and I’ve made the conscious decision to live with it and not allow it to get in the way of what I want to do in life.

Yellowstone was a fun week. I did push my body hard, maybe too hard, but all in all the whole trip was successful, fun, and it marked a new chapter in my life with MS. 

This picture is my favorite. The Grand Prismatic Pool. I climbed up the side of a hill, no path at all, to get this shot.

Oh, and the critters? We saw quite a few of those as well, including a moose that was something I really wanted to find and whose search facilitated a lot of the hikes we went on...

We met with success on our 'moose hunt' on the last day.
This gal we saw with her calf having breakfast.

One step forward... Two steps back...

I started back at work this past week and I’m loving every minute. The past seven months since my relapse has felt as though I’ve been living in a fog. I completely retreated from almost everything in my life, and while that sounds bad it was something I needed to do.

When I got my official diagnosis that confirmed my worst fear it was the day before returning back to work after the summer. I had spent over a month going through so many tests to try and pinpoint what was going on, and I had almost no doubt that the tests would come back positive, but it still took the wind out of me when I got that call. Despite the time before to think and prepare myself for what I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, I still hadn’t really digested the reality of having MS. 

Going back to work the day after the confirmation, I didn’t let myself really deal with what was happening. I was sad, I was angry, I was in denial... And I had no idea how I was going to live with it, I didn’t know what it meant for me...

The time I’ve spent not working and recovering from a very scary and debilitating relapse, I’ve been able to start to figure out my new way of life, and going back to work has been the first real step towards getting my life back.

However, it feels like the MS has other ideas, and I’m getting more annoying flare-ups and symptoms. Since this is common to have pseudo exasterbations, and frankly these issues have never completely gone away, I’m trying not to let it slow me down. This is apart of my new life; I work a little to hard, do a little too much, and my body lets me know it disapproves. However, stress is inevitable, it’s unavoidable. No matter where I worked, there will be stress, and if there wasn’t then the job would be dead boring. 

Still, it’s scary... I worry that for what ever reason, I wont be allowed to have a normal life... that my body, this crappy condition, will always plot against me. I try to push that out of my mind, not indulge the fear, not give into it... But, it’s still there, and I worry about how it will impact my job, and that maybe they may rethink their decision to bring me onboard if it’s going to wear me out or cause issues with my heath.

So, this is where perseverance comes in...

No matter what happens, what curve balls get thrown my way, I have to fight back and not let it take over. I have to keep saying to myself that I will NOT let the MS take away the things I love; not my art, my writing, or my job, not to mention my kids and my family. 

I just want my life back, even if it means accepting things that are not pleasant... I won't let this beat me down, but I hate the fear that resurfaces every time one of my symptoms starts to get a little worse. 

One Year Down

It’s the 4th of July... Last year at this time was the last time I felt ‘normal’. I haven’t officially hit the one year anniversary of my diagnosis, but I think it bears commenting that its been a year since I didn’t have the numbness, fatigue, spasms, and pain. 

This past week has been difficult. After a few weeks of minimal issues, things have been creeping back up again.

I’m frustrated... It feels as though I start to move forward with my life and shit starts up again.

I got a new job, a job I really wanted to get. I will be working as a behavior coach, helping emotionally challenged kids get back onto the right track. Working at Altona really wore me down and it got to me; but I love working in a school with kids... I don’t think I should have to give up doing something I enjoy doing because I have MS. What I’ve learned this past year about living with MS is that I can’t let it stop me from being me. I’m finally getting to a point where I’m tired of wallowing, I’m tired of always feeling bad, and I’ve taken steps to get back to my life. It really makes me angry because I feel as though I can’t catch a break.

It also makes me sad to think that it’s already been a year... one year down...

I guess I just need to let myself feel it... and hope that I will still get to move forward.