When I was diagnosed with MS almost two years ago I spent a lot of time feeling very sorry for myself. I felt like life as I knew it was over and all I was in for was slowing becoming disabled. However, a series of events unfolded over the past year that started changing my perspective.
The biggest event was when I ended up in the hospital last winter and had the very real concern that I would be disabled; losing the feeling in my hands, unable to go back to my job. That was a really hard time for me, because I didn't know what I was going to do. I couldn't go on disability, I had a finite period of time where I was still getting paid by the school and then unemployment which would pay next to nothing. I had to think about what I wanted to do from that point on; find my new place in the world.
So, I dyed my hair pink and set off to find... myself and amazingly enough I found it back in the school district that I had left when I relapsed. I went to work for a school who's programing I believed in 100% working with amazing kids, where I am apart of a team where my voice and my thoughts actually matter. My work is hard and stressful but rewarding, I get to work with the best group of people I've ever worked with, and... I get to keep my pink hair!
For years I've believed that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad, there is a purpose to the events that happen in your life; even if that purpose isn't known right away. I could go through a litany of event that brought me to where I am now, but I think that it's kind of obvious if you really think about it.
I started this blog to write about what it was like living with MS, but what it became more about whining about having MS than living. Over the past six months I stopped whining and really started living; which explains the significant gap between this post and the last.
Just recently, I had an experience where there was a strong likely hood that I was going to have be in difficult position where I wasn't comfortable nor felt qualified to be in. I remember feeling a rush of panic at the idea but right after the panic I felt calm. In that moment I'd accepted that if it came down to it, I'd step up and take the reins no matter how hard it was going to be because that was what had to be done. Fortunately, I didn't have to be put into that situation, but it reminded me of other times I was put in almost impossible situations.
Its sad to say, but I've been through a lot worse than being diagnosed with MS and every time I pulled through, no matter how difficult or impossible things felt at the time. Looking back, I couldn't say how I managed to pull through because I'm not in those moments anymore, I can only say that I hunkered down and did what had to be done going one day at a time because that was the only thing I could do. It occurs to me that I'd forgotten about that part of myself; the part that pushes through no matter how hard things get.
I spent a year and a half being angry and depressed about the diagnosis and during that time I was sinking. I think going into the hospital showed me what my future was going to be like if I stayed in that 'pour me' mindset and I didn't like what I saw. So, I started to fight back more productively, and little by little I started taking back what MS was stealing away.
At the start of this year I started taking more drastic steps in my determination not to cede any more ground to this condition. I'd gotten back everything I'd lost the previous year but it was time to step it up a few notices starting with my weight. I joined Weight Watchers, began working out, and started losing weight. Initially, the MS rebelled and tried throwing up blocks against the changes I was making but I pushed through and have gotten to a point where I have almost no symptoms of MS at all. I've lost 30 pounds so far and I have been more active in the past three months that I'd been in years.
Its taken nearly two years but I am finally living with MS... or more accurately, MS is living with me because I'm going to be the one calling all the shots in this relationship.
